I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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