I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
