My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
