My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
