Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
