Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
