i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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