i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
