She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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