God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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