Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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