well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
