I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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