So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize