i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
