His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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