There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
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