Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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