how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
