I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
