i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
