I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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