Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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