I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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