im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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