you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
