remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
