If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
It's blow job season.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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