Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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