she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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