the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
