the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize