I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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