he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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