i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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