you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
