I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
