i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I did not marry a roomba.
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