allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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