Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You can't just leave with hair like that
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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