He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
