So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
