OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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