I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
