I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
