He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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