You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
