Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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