All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
