found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I have surprise drugs for everyone
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
