my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
