oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize