Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
