as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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