I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
