peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
