Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
