that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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