I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She told me I should be a condom model.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Blood and glitter go together right?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
