So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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