You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
